Part 6: Episode V: Cait Shit
Episode V: Cait Shit
Vincent proceeds to headshot the guard 0.43 seconds after he kills Reeve. I guess he had to make up for the fact a guard snuck up on them from the direction he was already looking.
"No! Another to the list of those I've failed! Why must everything I touch die...? Reeve... I am so-"
"The hell...?"
"Luckily, I came out wearing 'Reeve.'" "So, let me get this straight. That was just a robot duplicate of Reeve controlled by you -- Cait Sith?" "That's correct, laddie!" "And Cait Sith is a toy robot cat controlled by Reeve?" "Indeed I am." "So, you're telling me I was just talking to Reeve, who was controlling Cait Sith, to control a robot of Reeve? Is that correct?" "Aye!" "No... Seriously, I am in a bad fanfic, right?!"
"Now, can you explain to me why you have a Scottish accent?" "Aye! Me name comes from a folklore legend of a spectral cat haunting the Scottish Highlands." "Scotland doesn't exist on this planet." "..." "..." "..." "..." "W-Well, maybe it's a voice modulation then... Ever think of that?" "Voice modulation does not work like that. Your dialect and way of speaking is different. You do know you're not a spy hiding your identity anymore? Besides, how could you have a theoretical voice modulator and still speak in Reeve's normal voice while in the Reeve-bot?" "Maybe err... Well, maybe it had a voice modulator too." "So Reeve is speaking normally, it is altered to a Scottish dialect, and then altered back into Reeve's normal speaking voice?" "Aye." "No. No. I AM in a bad fanfic. You cannot tell me otherwise. Or maybe it's some dark nightmare punishing me for my sins. Let's just move along."
"Let's run those lads outta town." "So, I basically should continue with what I was already doing?" "I'll leave the method up to you. When you've tidied things up, meet me at the square in front of the east church." "Do I meet you or Reeve?" "Me, of course." "You are fairly small. Where in the square should I find you?" "I meant 'me' as in 'Reeve'." "..."
Vincent jumps out a nearby window to get out of this dopey ass conversation.
We're immediately thrown into a new Stage Mission - Assist the WRO. Sure, we are not told what the hell the WRO is, stands for, or why we should help them. But, there you have it.
In any case, I really feel this game sorely needed some absolutely braindead friendly NPCs... to liven the atmosphere, you see. The WRO members do not need to be babysat.
No, they're much more of a living countdown timer that stands in front of gunfire plinking away in hopes Vincent Valentine will swoop in and kill all the enemies before they go down in a hail of bullets. What you see here is about 99% of their military engagements.
There is a section a short while on where one yells a warning of sniper gunfire down a very long alleyway. The remaining WRO members take refuge...by marathon running down the same alleyway, right into the sniper's crosshairs.
Vincent bails out what few WRO morons he can before moving onward.
The "World Regenesis Organization"...? Really...? You're going with that?
The man who proudly calls himself a member of a military unit who wear bright red beanies sees it fit to fill us in on the situation.
Supplies are limited to non-Final Fantasy oriented healing items. Vital Rations fill up, guess what, health. Spirit Rations do the same with, surprise, magic.
Let's see what this WRO business I all about.
"The what now?"
"The end of Final Fantasy VII." "Then why didn't you just say that?" "I'm trying to stay in character. Try it sometimes." "My soul has lost its zest for life." "...Forget I said anything."
"...as well as protecting it from any who would attempt further harm." "Let's back up a moment here. I've brooded a lot in my room for the last three years, but I try to keep up with the news. What is this 'Jenova War' you speak of? And when was Reeve ever anything resembling a war hero?" "Mr. Valentine, sir. The Jenova War in which you and Commissioner Reeve fought to stop the villainous Sephiroth from destroying the world with Meteor." "'The Jenova War...?' That's what they're calling it? A band of misfits grouping together to stop one guy in the center of the planet? You're calling that a war?" "Indeed, sir." "And Reeve is a war hero...? Reeve...? The same Reeve that went into battle with a toy cat and stuffed moogle robot? War hero?" "I'm quite proud to serve beneath him, sir." "I'm just going to lock this whole conversation into the deepest, darkest recesses of my mind. Which, I assure you, are fairly dark. Thusly, I'm just going to pretend it never took place... Now, how do I get to the church?'
"I thank you for your assis-" "Hurry. We will assist you in securing the area." "I appreciate the offer, but I think I'm more than capable of doing this myse-"
<sigh> "I never should have gotten out of that coffin."The WRO Members storm off to an immediate hail of gunfire.
Meanwhile, the final piece of upgrade equipment is left behind by the group - the Griffon Frame. Also known as the machinegun.
If you're curious about the gun customization of Dirge of Cerberus, stop by the Special Feature section at the end. It's fun and educational too!
Now, where is that church? Oh yes, it's the only possible path east. How could I have forgotten?
Three 'protect the WRO' spiels, three keycards, and two dozen dead DG soldiers later...
A iconic religious location with a prominent open square filled with displaced shipping containers filled with supplies. There's simply no way a boss fight could happen here.
What's this?! Have my predictions been wrong?!
It seems they were. As was my claim this was a rematch. I honestly have no idea what this helicopter's deal is. It's not the same as the one Vincent previous did battle with. It's also not the one from the intro FMV, as that was shown pretty clearly mangled after its explosion
So, it's time for the first proper boss fight of the game - the mysterious heavily damaged Dragonfly GL.
Despite burning in several places and sputtering about at low altitudes, the GL model of the Dragonfly is far more aggressive than its standard issue counterpart. It attacks primarily with a far stronger and more accurate spamming of the main gatling gun.
In addition, the front and sides of the machine are extremely well armored, making a risky dash to the underside or back the best options for dealing with the threat.
At least, that would be the case. I think it's time we busted out the Limit Breaker...
Witness the power of Vincent Valentine's
Now, what can the Galian Beast transformation do, you ask? Well, first of all it's a free full HP heal. Which, is always a helpful trait.
Other than that, Vincent's gun attack is replaced by an fairly powerful fireball strike, which is almost guaranteed to land a critical hit on enemies while ignoring defenses.
But, it's most important trait is its melee attacks. The Galian Beast is the only time in the game when melee is worth a damn. A four hit combo does in the ballpark of 1200 hits to the Dragonfly GL. For comparison sake, a full volley before reloading to a weak area with the Cerberus, equipped with a long barrel, does roughly four hundred HP worth of damage (over an attack time of about six seconds.) A single fireball strike (Vincent can do one about every second) does about two hundred-fifty HP of damage. The melee attack takes about two seconds to bust out.
Needless to say, it takes all of twenty seconds to take this thing out by just running over and punching it to death.
Hell, there's even time to stand around and take a photo op before the Limit Break runs out.
Following the battle, the heavily damaged GL sputters about and scans the area for Vincent. I'm glad it stored his blood type data. That's valuable information that could have easily been lost to the ether.
But, where is Vincent Valentine?
Oh, he's around.
I have no earthly idea how the fuck he got up there... But, he's around...
You can probably guess what happens next.
Despite being shot several times and smacked around by a monster with fireballs, it still needs a proper mid-air critical points shooting to take down.
And, even that doesn't do it. Fuck things "Built Ford Tough." Those pussies have nothing on Deepground machinery.
Vincent decides to transform one last time and punch the thing to death. That, finally, seems to do the trick. So, I hope we've all learned a valuable lesson here, kids.
When in doubt: morph into a beastly monstrosity and punch things.
Also, strike a pose afterwards. Just remember - the Punch and Pose is the key to being golden in any situation. It's what won us World War II.
Following the Dragonfly's destruction, a squad of DG Soldiers (I'll be denoting Deepground with DG from now on. It's a dumb name either way and the game prefers 'DG' for text. Who am I to argue) emerge from the wreckage. Or maybe they were drawn to the sound of it. Perhaps they just sprung from the earth inbetween loading screens. Who knows? Regardless, they are now here.
And they are pissed...
Wait... Vincent can block bullets with that retarded gauntlet thing? How about letting me do that ingame? Please...?
In any case, things look grim (despite Vincent blocking at least three bullets just holding his gauntlet up.)
Not to fear! It's the ski-camper trailer to the rescue!
Thanks for the assist, beanie squad!
Seriously, how ghetto is this 'World Regenesis Organization' outfit if their transport vehicle is a fucking low-rent camper?
Oh, hey. The real Reeve decided to show up Notice: Reeve may possibly still be a robot control by another robot, a cactaur, or Abe Vigoda.
And he's a crack shot, to boot. The fuck is this Cait Sith bullshit? If you can wear that outfit without feeling like a complete tool, sport a mullet without being a redneck, and can cap a guy from twenty paces, you're on the road to be a decent character, guy. A comic relief Scottish cat is not a decent character.
Vincent decides to get in on that action, as the scene fades to black.
Some time later...
There was a whole little montage of the WRO wrapping things up. But, the only important part is that despite brooding 95% of the day, Vincent is always down for chillin' on cargo crates.
"The enemy is retreating. It seems they have finally begun their withdrawl from Kalm." "Good."
"First up, could you please assume a different position...?" "My black heart is quite comfortable where it is." "I mean... It's just... I mean... With the leather and all... It doesn't leave much to the imagina-" "I. Am. Comfortable. Here." "Alright. Alright. Howabout this..."
"..." "..." "Did I receive a minor concussion at some point and experience some memory loss? Am I supposed to know where that is?" "No, not really. It's new." "Oh... Well, where is it located?" "Midgar." "Oh... So it is Midgar...?" "No, it's Edge." "..." "..." "Whatever. Fine. I'm in."
And so concludes the first stage of Final Fantasy VII: Dirge of Cerberus. Holy fuck...what have I gotten myself into...?
Ah, right. Since this is the end of the stage, it's time to calculate our results.
Well, I certainly like how the game throws dozens upon dozens of health power-ups then penalizes you for using them.
The secondary calculation is for Stage Missions. Which, weren't too bad. I lost a few civilians to DG Soldiers dead set on forfeiting self preservation in favor of gunning down a guy in a tunic. As well as the entire squad of WRO troops that saw it fit to bum rush sniper fire down an alley. I cannot say I'm too broken up about either instance.
The game allows you to choose between taking a healthy amount of money from the exploits in the stage or gaining experience.
Since we're in an early stage of the game and there isn't really anything worth a damn to purchase yet, we'll take the Level Up. A decent little stat boost, if I say so myself.
Speaking of purchasing items, Vincent can replenish ammo and healing items in the intermission. But, more importantly...
He can tune-up his weapons to upgraded versions of what he's already collected. The only things worth a damn at this point are the upgraded Cerberus and Griffon. And so it shall be.
And there you have it. The completion of, by far, the most sane chapter of Dirge of Cerberus.
Special Feature:
*****Weapon Customization******
Dirge of Cerberus features a seemingly robust little weapon customization system. I mean, look at all those options! And, hey! Square made a game with a pretty fantastic weapon tune-up system in the past - Parasite Eve.
Yeah... Parasite Eve, this ain't. What seems like a number of options is mostly smoke and mirrors.
Vincent's weapons have four base properties which are modified depending on the configuration of the gun. They are:
• Weight: This effects Vincent's running speed with his gun drawn as well as how quickly he can aim. It is probably one of the least important stats to maintain. Going overboard in weight is not a wise idea, but packing on a few pounds never hurt anyone.
• Speed: Basically the rate of fire a weapon has.
• Power: Take a wild guess. The power of a weapon is the most important stat. It's the difference between plinking away at enemies for forty shots and blasting a guy's head clean off his shoulders (Notice: No heads will be blasted off shoulders.)
• Range: How far away Vincent can strike enemies before Final Fantasy VII super gravity takes hold of the bullet. Refer to the graph in the previous update.
Beyond that, there are stats for accuracy at short, medium, and long range. It is important to have at least one weapon capable of long-range attack, for when the occasion calls for it. But, optimally, most guns should be tuned toward mid-range attacks. Short range is basically close enough to melee something or...you know...just step backwards.
Now, you may notice all the slots for sticking things into. The top one is for the weapon frame.
Right now we only have the Cerberus and Griffon. There is a couple more frames, but only one more 'real' one. The Cerberus is the good, rounded weapon that will be used the vast majority of the time. In comparison to the Griffon, for instance, the latter is a good bit faster, but gimped in all other fields. It is also far heavier than the Cerberus, making movement sluggish.
The frames, like all other customizations, can be upgraded, later on, at shops. But, that's all on that for now.
Next up are the barrels. They come in normal, looooooong, and short flavors. The normal barrel is, of course, the all-around option. The long barrel has a load of power and distance, but fires very slowly and puts on a bunch of weight. The short barrel fires much more quickly, at the cost of power and range. That's about all there is to it. They can all be upgraded to increase their effectiveness.
Though, honestly, the normal and long barrels are pretty much the only useful ones.
Next up is the scope option. Basically, you can equip one or you don't. The scope makes the first person zoom triple in range. But, it's all but useless if it's equipped on a weapon that can't fire the distance. It also adds a bit of weight to the frame.
Following that is a field we've yet to come across - the Options. Options allow the stats of a weapon to be pushed in a specific direction. Damage dealt, the accuracy of a weapon, reducing weight, increasing reload speed. There's quite a few things that can be stuck in this slot. Just...none at the moment.
Last up is the accessory slot. Materia gets stuck in here, for the most part. Though, there are a few extra bits and pieces that fit in this category.
There is also a slot for ammunition but there is only one type of ammo per weapon frame. I couldn't tell you why they included it.
And there you have it. A brief tutorial of Dirge of Cerberus' weapon customization system which nobody is going to read. Huzzah!
Tune in Next Time For:
Disappearances!
Shirtless Men!!
Russians!!!
Bonus Movies:
Cait Sith Returns
Stage One Outro
Cutscenes Present: 9
Total Cutscenes: 24